Funny Facebook Status
Dance like the photos not being tagged. Love like you’ve never been
unfriended. Sing like nobody’s following. Share like you care. And do it all
like it wont end up on Youtube!
I wonder how some people can keep up with both their
Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook…I cant even keep up with
There are two types of human beings found on Facebook.
One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on
their posts. And the others are men.
Did you hear about the new reversible jackets?
I can’t wait to see how they turn out.
Life’s like your Ex-boyfriend it has it’s up it has
it’s down but in the end you still finish it.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just
the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Buy a hamster. Name it Virginity.
Lose the hamster. Close enough.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary –
it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Myspace is my ex husband, Facebook is my
baby daddy, Twitter is my ho and I’m in a serious
relationship with Instagram.
When ever I get a headache I take two tablet
of aspirin and keep away from children just like
the bottle says.
If someone says expect the unexpected slap
them in the face and say ‘I bet you didn’t expect that!’
If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be ‘
Think of how great this will look in the background of your
social networking pics.’
Boy: Why can’t tampons talk?
Girl: Because they’re stuck up
I would say a crippled joke
but I cant stand them.
Mitt Romney should change his first
name to Fetch, because he’s never going
Behind every great woman, there
is a guy looking at her ass.
One day I might just change all of my
passwords to ‘Women’ since nobody can
seem to figure them out.
Hi, I’m a shower. If you turn me
on, I’ll make you wet.
I think I should tell you what people a
re saying behind your back….Nice ass.
RIP to all the hoes dying for attention!
I’m not saying I am Batman, I am just
saying that no one has ever seen me and
Batman in the same room…
If a bra is called an ‘Over the shoulder
bolder holder,’ then would you call men’s
underwear ‘Under the butt nut hut?’
Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans…
Telling someone their breath smells without
hurting their feelings…’Well I’m bored, let’s go
brush our teeth!’
I decided to burn some calories
so I set a fat kid on fire.
Say this out loud five times
fast! ‘I won a math debate.’
The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd,
is the day we find out who his true fans are.
If your girlfriend complains that you never
take her anywhere expensive…take her to the
I stepped on a cornflake this morning…
I’m a cereal killer now!
My diabetic neighbor died in his sleep.
I forgot to wish him ‘sweet dreams.’
The awkward moment, when Usain Bolt
runs faster than your internet connection.
What do you call a man with no body
and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Ever had sex while camping?
It’s fucking in tents.
If abortion is murder, then are
Somebody needs to start a restaurant
called, ‘Chick-Fil-Atheist’ that’s only open
Who ever invented the Knock- Knock
jokes should get a No-bell prize!
The Energizer Bunny got arrested.
He was charged with battery.
Slut jokes are just whoreable.
I think car horns should sound like
gun shots….I bet you’ll move then.
Did you buy your pants on sale?
Cause in my room they’d be 100% off.
That awkward moment when
Pinocchio and Voldemort meet.
Oh, you lost your cell phone on
vibrate? If you like it, then you shoulda
put a ring on it.
Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever
Google, ‘Grandfather Clock.’
Sex is like math: You add the bed,
subtract the clothes, divide the legs and
pray you don’t multiply.
I wonder if the clothes in China say,
‘Made around the corner.’
I refuse to go bungee jumping, I came
into this world because of a broken rubber,
I’m not leaving because of one.
These animal crackers are bullshit,
this elephant tastes exactly like the