Sarcastic Quotes

‘m nice to the weird kid, so he’ll
spare my life when he snaps.

Cashier: Are you buying these? Me:
No, I’m going to steal them, I just
wanted to show you first

Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a
little bit of face on your makeup there.

All restaurants are drive-thru
if you drive hard enough.

Don’t you hate it when you’re doing
push-ups and you lose count
after 1,000…

My sex life is like a Ferrari…
I don’t have a Ferrari.

I hate being in jail…
I mean, school…

Life is too short to waste
time on matching socks.

Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up
and find him.The poor idiot may be stuck
in a tree or something

Sorry I offended you when I called you
a bitch. I had no idea you thought it was
a secret.

I hate it when skinny people
say they ain’t skinny enough.

Shit I hate when skinny
people complain how fat they are.

I lost my coat, hopefully
someone didn’t jacket.

Oh, I’m sorry! I thought
slut was your costume…

I’m so talented. I can listen to music
and ignore you at the same time.

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he
didn’t wave back…So she will have a new
album coming out tomorrow.

Remember when I asked for your
opinion? Yeah, me neither.

Please GOD if you cant make me slim,
make my friends fat.

You don’t like when I get jealous, so you must
wanting me to stopping caring about us?

I’m not saying my ex-girlfriend is a slut I am just
saying if everyone’s cock had wings she’d be
a airport.

Dear 11 year old on Facebook with ‘It’s complicated.’
Seriously????? What did he do??? Steal your
animal crackers??

If you’re going to be a smartass first
you have to be smart, otherwise
you’re just being an ass!

Well I’d love to stay and chat
but I fucking hate you.

Clearly, I am no match for
your level of ignorance

You posted a status on your friend’s Facebook
when he wasn’t looking? Please tell me how
great of a hacker you are.

Another day at work…I’m having as much
fun as a colorblind person playing twister.

Break my heart some more like never before.
Why you’re at it, you should just stomp on it.
Nobody cares about my feelings so why should
you be different?

Sorry, I’m not tall enough to ride
your emotional roller-coaster.

I’m sorry that I mistook all our laughs,
sweet texts and inside jokes as you
caring. I’m sorry that I mistook all your
flirting, hand holding, and hugs as you
loving me. I’ll think twice before I waste
my time again.

If a red head guy works at a bakery,
does that make him a ginger bread
man?

A police officer asked me where
I was between 4 and 5? I said
kindergarten.

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